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A grim reality of modern marriages — lies!! It has become an integral part of relationships — compromising the integrity of sacrosanct marriages. Unfortunately, most often there is no guilt — people have become immune and the guilty conscience has ceased to bite. However, some people nurse their guilt of lying by labelling their lies as ‘white lies’. Isn’t a lie a LIE? Period.

Why do people lie? While there can be reasons galore, there are a few which are mainly responsible. Primarily, when one belongs to a family where lies are a given, when one is grown up witnessing untruthfulness around, it doesn’t take time for this dishonesty to multiply, since values are always imbibed through one’s family. It is reflected in the process of upbringing. When the upbringing is not right, it will manifest in a person’s disposition eventually. Like a family heirloom, it gets passed from one generation to another.

Seldom do people with wrong values end up being fair and straightforward. When two individuals with different values get into a relationship, it can spell trouble. One of the benchmarks of a healthy relationship is correct and matching ethics. Never turn a blind eye to such pointers in the form of different morals, principles et al.

Another factor which comes into play is fear. When a person fears one’s partner, one is compelled to fib. Now, that again is unfair but understandable. Why do something that makes one scared of one’s partner in the first place? Secondly, sometimes the deed is not as serious as the reaction of the partner. But when one of the partners behaves unreasonably, their partner is left with no choice but to mitigate the situation through lies. 

Fearing one’s partner is a terrible feeling – no matter what. It comes with a cost of hurting one’s self esteem, self-respect and freedom. Mentally taxing and certainly not worth being in that kind of a relationship. Lying is never a solution to combat anything. Discourage your partner from overreacting from day one. What you nurture continues. 

Lies can break any relationship or can change the entire equation. It’s up to you. Do you want it to hang on the hinges of lies and deceit? What morals do you want your children to absorb? You may be immune to lying but your conscience will never be. “Hips don’t lie” and neither should you…

Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com

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